Top Ten Tips To Trek The (T)Alps (+ observations on Fundamental Laws of Alpine Physics)

10. Buy a French dictionary

Actually, buy an English dictionary in French. Then spend hours on the trail rehearsing how to say helpful sentences like “I would like to see a green elephant!” [Je voudrais voir un éléphant vert] so that when you finally arrive at the refuge1 an hour after the dinner has already been served and the kitchen is closed, you can accidentally order an CHF8 bottle of water. 

Wine and anglais as the sun sets in Chalet Alpin du Tour

9. Beware of wildlife

Bouquetin (the ibex with massive pointy horns) are harmless and photogenic.

The 'money shot' in another moraine basin

But pointing a camera at a herd of Swiss cows looming from the mist will result in a potentially lethal, musical2 stampede.

Misty, musical mountain top

8. Carry a pocket knife

They are perfect for slicing cheese and tomatoes to place on baguettes and for creating opportunities to interact with local airport security people.

Confiscating our weapon

 

7. Learn signage conventions in advance

For example, a Blue Sign represents alpine routes:




And no matter how direct a Blue Sign route may look, it should not be considered a shortcut. In fact, they should be considered Definitely-Do-Not-Follow-Me-In-Trainers3 cuts.

Following the blue sign to our doom

Signage in the alps is also prevalent and provides, rather than distance, estimated times to locations4.

Katie made several arts with her iPhone. This is my favourite.

6. Mountain refuges are the best things since sliced bread

Try to spend as many nights in them as possible. Refuges vary widely in quality, remoteness and (the most important factor) quaintness. It's definitely worth looking at reviews in advance (e.g. https://goo.gl/fDuK0H), to separate the sourdough from stick-to-the-roof-of-your-mouth thin white bread.

In general, the more remote the refuge, the more stunning the views, but the lower quality fayre and conditions.That said, there are also relatively newly built refuges e.g. Cabane de Moiry that offer the best of both worlds. A final word of warning: try not to be late for the set, sit-down dinner without warning in advance: the wrath of a Swiss refuge guardian is quite something.

Prafleuri. The one place you do not want to be late to.

5. Bring toothpaste

Do not expect to get away with mooching toothpaste from other refuge guests. They treasure it dearly. Instead expect to lug it around with you. Ideally, organise a bet for who can use the least floss in the two months leading up to the trip, where the loser has to lug all the toiletries5.

4. Arrange evening entertainment

For example, involve other refuge guests in a good old-fashioned British Pub Quiz (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pub_quiz) each night. Ideally ensure that your competitors are not from the UK for near certainty of victory. Finally, invent an intricate set of rules that you can argue about for most of the trip and confuse the other players with.

3. Protect your skin

It gets hot, and the sun is strong. Appoint a Director of Lathering for your trekking party with sole responsibility for ensuring the correct application of sunscreen.  Then make sure she remembers to cover herself as well. Finally, avoid environmentally friendly sunscreen. (See Mother Nature’s Law of Bio Sunscreen below.)

The Director of Lathering, suffering under the strain of her responsibilities

2. This isn’t the Rockies

You are rarely more than 10 or 15 kilometers from the nearest village or refuge, and even less from the nearest fresh Alpine glacier stream. No need to pack food and water reserves. Save precious granola bars for truly critical crises -- like the waiting period between boarding the plane and when the flight attendants bring out the snack trolley.

1. Travel light

Any slight discomfort resulting from wet shoes, smelly t-shirts or socks stiff enough to salute the Queen is massively overshadowed by the swelling pride induced by jaw-dropping admiration of fellow hikers who exclaim: “Is that all you’re carrying!??” Not to mention the ability to jog on the flat sections of the trail. (Read: hiking boots, ice picks, and super warm clothes are not necessary.)

It is not cold at all. Honest.

Fundamental Laws of Physics

Iain’s First Law of Rucksack Entropy

As the trip goes on, despite most likely carrying less (due to e.g. disposal of toxic socks) it becomes harder and harder to fit your possessions in rucksack.

Katie’s Law of Cheese Maturity

Each day of sock wear enables your sock to mimic the smell of a more and more mature alpine cheese.

Lac Champex Law of Floating

The harder a beginner swimmer attempts to "just relax!" to 'float’ the more likely they are to sink.

Swiss Law of Refuge Prices

The further into Switzerland one penetrates, the more expensive a night in a refuge is.

Mother Nature’s Law of Bio Sunscreen

The more environmentally friendly the sunscreen, the more difficult it is to rub into skin.

The Dirty Details

Finally, we should probably detail some of our route, right? We trekked (some of) the 'Walkers' Haute Route', which starts in France, in Chamonix, in the shadow of Mont Blanc, and finishes in Zermatt, Switzerland some 112 miles later, in the shadow of the Matterhorn. There is an excellent guidebook, written by the mysterious, enigmatic, and seldom wrong Kev Reynolds: https://goo.gl/71wny8

It runs alongside the far more famous Tour de Mont Blanc (TMB) for the first day or two, but then quickly diverges to head east into Switzerland. It gets more remote than the TMB, and goes higher. We can't recommend the route and the general experience highly enough. We only managed two thirds of the route (see below) due to a wedding commitment (and Iain's lack of vacation days), and I'm sure we'll finish it some day. 

Finally, here is our itinerary as it panned out, which was almost exactly as we had planned it In km and metres, since it was in Europe): 

Day 1: 14k, 400m+: Chamonix > Le Tour

Day 2: 20k, 1800m+, 1800m-: Le Tour > Col de Balme > Champex > (hitchhike)> Le Chable

Day 3: 23k, 2400m+, 800m-: Le Chable>Mont Fort>Cabane Praflueri

Day 4: 30k, 2500m+, 2000m-: Cabane Praflueri>Arolla>(hitchhike)> Le Sage> Cabane de Moiry

Day 5: 15k, 700m+, 1400m-: Cabane de Moiry > Zinal> (hitchhike)> Chandolin > Cabane Ill Horne

Total Distance: 102km
Total Elevation Change: 7800m ascent; 6000m descent


Footnotes

1. Variously called hüttes, cabanes, or rifugis depending on the country/area. Being in France and French-speaking parts of Switzerland, we primarily encountered Refuge de X and Cabane Y’s.

2. A beautiful and distinctive feature of alpine pastures is the ringing of cowbells. Each of these deadly ruminants carries a large bell around its neck to help farmers track ‘em down, which, as a corollary, provides an atmospheric musical accompaniment to your impending doom.

3. British to American Translation Guide: Trainers = Tennis Shoes/normal running shoes.

4. One of the more important tasks on your first day or two of walking is to calculate the Fitter-Than-The-Average-Bear factor to work out how long it will actually take you. We found that it took around ⅔ the advertised time for predominantly uphill sections and around ½ the time for downhill sections when we were getting hungry and decided to run.

5. Okay this may be a niche tip, but we promise the rest are moderately sensible.